Type Witty Blog Name Here

Merry Christmas!!

2010-12-19T02:02:00.000-05:00

Holy crap!

It's been three and a half months since I posted something.

Sorry!!

Hopefully all of you still remember who I am. Not sure why I haven't posted anything. And not reading your blog entries. The worst part is that when I don't keep up with my friends' blogs is that I fall further and further behind. Then it starts to seem overwhelming to try to catch up.

It's less than a week till Christmas, and I didn't want to leave posting something until after the holidays. I will make an effort to catch up with everyone over the next few days. I hope.

How am I doing? I'm not sure. I no longer feel blah. My psychiatrist lowered the dose of my anti-psychotic to a very low amount, and it seems to have worked, allowing me to feel emotions. Not that the emotions are always happy, but at least I'm feeling things now.

He also raised the dose of my anti-depressant. I'm now taking the highest dose of it that he's ever prescribed (though there have been a few others taking the same dose). It's one of the few anti-depressants that can be measured in a blood test, to see if I'm in the therapeutic range. Too little, and there's no effect, but too much and there's no positive effect either. But I am actually feeling occasional moments of happiness. They're short bursts, not lasting very long, but that's still better than never feeling happy.

Some of the things I enjoy doing are still not being done regularily, like reading friends' blogs. But sometimes I actually get in a good frame of mind and even do things that I HAVE to do. Like finally putting up new blinds. My blinds had suffered at the claws of previous cats, and I got a replacement set of blinds at the beginning of the year, but never got off my ass and put them up. Until last week. Yay me!

As always, I really love Christmas. It's not like I do anything exciting. I spend a few days at my mom's (and she lives just down the street), but I like giving her gifts. And we eat too much sweet and/or fatty food. Same with a few days later for New Year's Eve.

Since it's just the two of us, we haven't had a big roast turkey for many years. For several years we would have a stuffed turkey breast. This year we're having a Tofurkey. We've had it a few times this year, and figured it would be nice for Christmas day dinner. Besides, it's a lot less effort than an actual roast turkey.

And this year we're going to attempt something new. On Christmas Eve, we're going to try using Skype to talk to my brother and his wife and their son. I've never used Skype before. I installed it on my mom's computer, and it looks simple enough. But it'll be a new experience to talk by webcam.

There are a few more things I could prattle on about, but I'm going to leave them for next year, after I've caught up with everybody.

Merry Christmas!! Happy New Year!!

Whew!

2010-05-13T01:42:00.001-04:00

Just wanted to update everyone about the Grade 9 math course I was taking.

(I talked about in my last entry. If you missed it, then you have to go read it. Seriously, by reading this, you've committed to going back and reading the previous entry :) ).

I was nervous as anything about writing the exam. It was one thing to do the homework with the text to refer to, but the exam would have to be from memory. They offered a practice test on their website, so I printed it and did it the night before. It was long, but I did well on it. So that was a relief, made it easier to sleep before the exam.

I somehow managed to wake myself up at 7:30am, to write the test at 9am. Since mornings are pretty foriegn to me, I downed an energy drink to help wake me up.

Got to the school, and within a couple minutes I was doing the test.

I went through everything, answered everything. Double-checked everything. And I still had 30 minutes before time was up. But apart from staring a hole into the paper, I had nothing else to do, so I handed it in.

They put it in the envelope and mailed it to Toronto to be marked. And several times a day, everyday, I have been going to their website to see if my mark has been posted.

It finally was today.

And I was stunned.

I got 100% on it.

So, my final grade for the course is 99%.

When I told my mom, she jokingly suggested that I write to my old high school to tell them. As I said in the last entry, I wasn't exactly the best student back then.

So, now I'm going to psych myself up to sign up for Grade 10 math. If the first unit of that goes well, then maybe I'll sign up for some other Grade 9 course, like Science or Geography.

And I'm thinking of going to the local Adult Education Centre to do it. They actually use the same materials as the Independent Learning Centre does for distance education. With the benefit of having a teacher there everyday if you have questions or need help.

But like all schools, it's only during the day. So I have to figure out if I can manage to wake myself up early at least one day a week.

Another benefit of taking the courses in person is that I can submit my work and get it marked much more quickly then if I had to mail it in.

The only drawback is that they don't offer all the courses that you can take by distance education. Though I think I could still take the distance learning courses at the same time.

Well, I'll take a couple days to think about it.

And thank you to everyone who wished my luck on the test. I appreciate it!

School - ack!

2010-04-03T21:30:00.000-04:00

Hey there!

Well, it's been awhile, as usual, since my last update.

Not a lot to report though. My mood is still blah. I wish I could tell you that I was feeling good, but at least I'm not feeling awful. Just blah.

I will let you in on a little secret though. A few years ago, I decided to take high school math again. It's been more than two decades since I did any math, and I was a horrible student, especially in math. Well, in math and French, but French was even more hopeless for me than math.

High school and I didn't get along. I skipped numerous days and rarely studied, except for last minute cramming. And cramming isn't very effective even if you did attend all your classes.

Besides, I hope to one day go back to university. I did graduate high school. Grade 12 diploma, though this was back when Ontario had a grade 13. Yes, they used to have five years of high school here. And you needed your Grade 13 diploma to go to university. So I went to work after dropping out of Grade 13 three times, at two different schools. Then in my twenties, I applied to York University, in Toronto, as a mature student. I attended for a year and a bit, until I got too ill mentally to continue. I did get a few credits though, including a few in my major of psychology.

Someday I'd like to take more courses. I have no idea how. The nearest university is two hours away, and a single course costs about what I get on disability for a month, when you include textbooks. So I have no idea how I'd ever afford it. And student loans are out since I'd only be taking one course at a time, and I still owe for all the loans I had years ago.

Nonetheless, I'm fascinated by science courses - psychology, biology, you name it.

But I don't really have the math and science base to be able to take those kind of courses.

So a few years ago, I figured I'd take high school math again. Though it could be argued I'd be taking for the first time, since between the poor attendence the first time, and the passage of so much time, it'd be new to me.

I signed up to take Grade 9 math. Here in Ontario, you can take high school courses by distance learning, and it only costs $40/course.

I remembered the stuff from the first unit of the course. Easy things like figuring out percentages and ratios. Nothing too taxing. But it was clearly just as a refresher.

I got 100% on the first unit. Then 100% on the second unit. Then 97% on the third unit, and one of the lost marks was from being careless and only answering the first part of the question.

I dove into the fourth and final unit. Got about halfway through. Then I hit a question that nearly drove me insane. I read it over and over and it always seemed like the question was missing something needed to answer it.

After awhile, I decided to give it a few days and then try again. Same problem. This happenned a few times, over the course of a few weeks.

Two problems arose. The first was that I was too stubborn to ask for help. They offer help online and by phone (certain times and days), but no, I had been aceing the course and wasn't going to ask for help. The second was that because I procrastinate between units, I was only a couple weeks shy of the deadline for completing the course.

Well, guess what, I ended up dropping the course.

Groan.

Gave up for a year, then signed up again last year. (You can take the course a second time if you need to).

Here's the stupid thing, I did the first three units by simply rewriting and submitting my work from the first try, correcting my couple mistakes in the third unit.

This is really stupid. Because I had already forgotten much of the material. My memory is pretty bad for a lot of things, but especially numbers.

So I basically faked my way through the first three-quarters of the course. Not very bright.

And, procrastinating as usual, I found myself facing the final unit with a month left in the course, and having to redo the whole course.

But here's the amazing thing - I actually managed to plow my way through it. I was forcing myself to get up by noon (trust me - that's a big deal for me), and then take myself to the library and redo everything. I was going most days, sitting for hours, doing it all.

And when I got to the question that stumped me, well, it still stumped me. But I kept doing every variation of every calculation I could think of, and solved it on the calculator. Then I went to write it down. And then I forgot what I did, because I had been frantically trying every calculation, I couldn't remember what I had actually done to solve it. So I tried everything again. Solved it again. Forgot it again.

I'm serious. Trust me, if you've ever met me, or talked to me, I don't think I usually come across as braindead. But man, this was making me feel stupid.

Thank God, the third time I solved it, I managed to remember it long enough to write down.

So.... now I'm waiting to find out my mark on it, and waiting for them to schedule my final exam. The exam scares the crap out of me. Unlike the course work, it's closed-book. They do provide a practice test on their website, which I'll be doing soon. (Honest!). And thankfully, the test does provide a sheet with formulas, things like figuring out the volume of a cylinder, that kind of thing. BUT - they don't provide the key sequences for figuring out things on the scientific graphing calcultor. And I'm serious, remembering all the steps is harder than some of the math.

I have to say a few things about taking a 'basic' math course. One, trust me, when it's been a couple decades since you've done anything beyond addition and subtraction, you really are starting from scratch again. Two, high school math had become much harder. Back in the 80's when I took it, calculators weren't as complicated. Now that anyone can punch in a few buttons and figure out something like standard deviation, they expect you to be able to do it. Although I skipped a lot of classes, I'm certain we weren't expected to be able to the kind of calculations expected today. Third, I'm disappointed to admit that I actually felt old taking the course. When I was young, I studied while listening to music. It actually helped. At least it seemed to. Now, I find that I need mostly silence in order to take in what I'm reading.

Anyways, like I said, I'm waiting to find out how I did on the final unit, and I should be taking the exam in a few weeks. Wish me luck.

Still here

2010-02-24T21:23:00.000-05:00

Crap!

My last entry was more than two months ago.

Sorry to anyone looking at it recently and having to put up with a very out-of-date "Merry Christmas" message from me.

I'm not going to talk about myself too much this time. Suffice to say I still feel blah. If I had the money, I could try a couple new anti-depressants that have hit the market, but I can't afford them, and they're not yet covered by my disability drug plan. There's also a quasi-electro-shock I could try. Fewer side effects than ECT, and you don't have to jump through the hoops of getting other psychiatrists to approve. But, it's not covered by medicare. Instead of electricity, they blast your brain with a magnet. Good results apparently, and without the potential memory loss of ECT. But, no money for it.

Like I said, I'm feeling rather blah. That really is the best way to describe it, even though it's barely a word. As I've described before, much of the time I feel nothing, not actively depressed, but just empty.

Anyways, I'm thinking that one thing I should do is post more often, even if it's just to share videos or links. I know that's what most people do in most of their blog entries.

So here's a video of Tom Brokaw explaining Canada to his fellow Americans. You know, just last week there was a survey released that showed that 90% of Americans have a positive impression of Canadians. Of course, most of them have no knowledge of Canada, but at least they like us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYoTJItSPt0

This was a mini-film that NBC did as part of their coverage of the Vancouver Olympics. The Olympics - the only time I ever watch sports. For about two weeks every two years, I actually watch sports. Of course, it's made easier by the fact that most of the shows I regularly watch take time off during the games.

Hey! Just a reminder to everyone that the annual SuicideGirls gala will be June 5, and the guest list is open, and more than half-full already, so get your name on it.

Remember me?

2009-12-17T21:08:00.001-05:00

Remember me?

I know I've been away for a long time, but I'm amazed it's actually been more than 3 months since I've posted a blog entry. Yikes!

I'll be honest, I was feeling like crap. Very depressed. I'm feeling somewhat better, but mostly just really blah. Seriously, blah is a good word for it. I feel like I have almost no emotional ups or downs these days. Just blah.

Let's catch up on things in my life, and I swear I'll try to keep it short.

As you may recall, in June my wonderful cat died, very suddenly, of something akin to a stroke. She was in great health, but the vet said it may have been genetic. Then in July I turned 40. And I usually barely notice my birthdays, but I guess 40 is a milestone age. So it seemed to hit me hard when I see that my life is nothing like I want it to be, nothing like how I planned it on being. In September my brother welcomed his son Jax into the world. Of course, I'm thrilled for him, but it means I'm the only one in my family to not have kids now. And as you probably know, I want kids more than anything else in the world.

From feeling better than I've felt in years during the first part of the year, I sunk fast and hard.

I'm not going to waste your time bitching and moaning about how awful I've been feeling, but as my absence has demonstrated, when I feel crappy, I tend to withdraw socially. And considering I'm not the most socialable person around, that means I virtually stop talking to almost everyone.

My counsellor thought it might be due to my new nephew. That maybe I was really hit hard by the idea that I may never have children. I can understand that view, but it didn't seem to really be the problem.

Then a couple months ago I saw an ad from the local animal shelter saying that they had a surplus of kittens for adoption. I perked right up. I know this probably sounds either sad or pathetic, or both, but when I saw that ad, I knew that my biggest problem moodwise was not having anything/anyone to come home to, to talk to, to cuddle with. Even if it's just a cat.

I went to the shelter, held a couple kittens, found one that seemed quite happy being held by me, and adopted him.

He's now called Taz. Short for Tazmanian devil, like the cartoon character. He spins around frantically trying to catch his own tail. One time, he scared the crap out of me when I heard him screech. The dummy had caught his tail and bitten himself too hard.

He's cute. Mostly friendly. He sleeps with me most nights, which is a great thing.

But he scratches me a lot. I have marks all over my hand. He doesn't seem to do it intentionally, at least not most of the time. But he doesn't seem to realize that he can keep his claws in when he's swatting at me. Thankfully, he seems to be doing it less often now.

Unfortunately, I had to return him to the shelter twice. He had really bad diahrrea. Eventually they got him on some medication that cleared it up. But it was very frustrating and upsetting. I felt like I couldn't let myself get attached to him, in case he was really sick and I wouldn't be able to keep him.

As I said, he's now fine, and we've bonded. But it was bad at the time, because I couldn't let myself feel really happy with him because of it.

In other news, I have a new computer. My last computer died, but thankfully I was able to transfer almost everything to an external drive before it finally gave up. It's a nice desktop. It was on sale at Staples because they were clearing their stock of Vista PC's after Windows 7 came out. But the nice thing is that it came with a free upgrade to Windows 7 anyway. I finally got the disk yesterday and installed it. Seems to be working fine. Fingers crossed.

Of course, I now owe my mom for the computer. 50 bucks a month until it's paid for. If I hadn't been able to put it on her credit card, I would have been computer-less.

But just to screw me, my trusty Palm Tungsten PDA isn't compatible with it, and checking the Palm website tells me that they think my Palm is so old that they no longer bother to support it. So I got the only PDA-like device I could (barely) afford, an iPod Touch. Palm still sells a couple straight-PDA's, but they're priced well beyond my means. Everybody else had smartphones. I can't possibly afford a smartphone, be it an iPhone, a Blackberry, Android, or Palm. I don't use a cell phone. And I can't afford the monthly fees they charge anyway. But I like having a tiny device that holds all my life on it.

The iPod Touch is nice. I was pleasantly surprised that the virtual keyboard works well, even with my huge fingers. The one thing I have to say to Apple is don't brag about the fact that there are 100,000 apps for the iPhone (and iPod Touch). Have you ever looked at the apps? Most of them are worthless. I'd rather have a smaller selection of apps, but have them be worthwhile.

As I said, my brother and his wife had a son. Jaxon, or Jax for short. I've now been down to Mississauga three times and seen him. I've got a few photos, so I'll try to post them.

It's almost Christmas. I think that's what's finally gotten me to post an update. I really enjoy Christmas. I love giving gifts. And eating rich foods.

Here's a video I'll share with you for Christmas.

It's by Garfunkel and Oates. "Present Face", about that unique look on your face you get when you open that gift you don't like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMWTs0YT928

As a few of you know, I really enjoy mash-ups. You know, where two or more songs are combined to create something new.

In the spirit of Christmas, here's where you can download two compilation albums of Christmas mash-ups.

http://www.bootieusa.com/xmas/

And another where you can download a whole bunch.

http://santastic4.com/collection/

Finally (see! I kept it short), I'm going to make an honest effort to catch up on everybody's blogs. I apologize for being so far behind with everyone. I really feel very guilty, like I've failed as a friend. I know that's not normal. I know most people, if they miss a few entries in someone's blog, just read and comment on the current one, and get on with life. But I feel bad doing that. Which means that I then find myself in the situation I'm in now, being months behind and having to catch up. I'll do my best.

If I don't talk to you soon, Merry Christmas!! Happy New Year!!

New Nephew

2009-09-09T22:08:00.001-04:00

Okay, well, it seems I haven't posted a blog entry for almost two months. That's a long time, even for me.

Not sure why I haven't posted anything. I guess I feel like I don't have much to say. Or maybe just not anything new or interesting.

I'm feeling okay. Not great, but not awful either. It's actually a strange feeling, sort of empty. Sort of muted. I'm not feeling particularily depressed. But I am feeling just kind of blah.

Trust me, blah is a big improvement over the way I've felt for much of the last couple decades. So I won't complain too much about it.

I have a new nephew - Jax. He's my brother's first child. I'm leaving in a few hours to meet him. It'll just be a quick visit, to see him and take some pictures. He'll be the first nephew or neice of mine that I'll actually meet. My sister has three kids, but I've never met them. Yeah, we're a close-knit family.

Hopefully I'll have some pictures of him for my next entry.

I was mostly offline for awhile recently. My computer stopped working. Wouldn't boot up. Took it to be repaired. Apparently when you have 100's of gigabytes of music and movies, it clogs things up a bit. Plus my security software had over 150,000 files in quarantine. And didn't notify me. What kind of crap is that? You keep infected files and don't even tell me they exist, taking up space. Weird.

Anyways, after he fixed things, which included deleting about 80 GB of downloaded music (!!!!), my computer is working, and running better than before. But I do have to buy an external hard drive, if only to back up my music, so I don't lose it again. What ticks me off is that he deleted my music without even asking me, without giving me the option to buy an external drive from him and having him transfer the files.

Needless to say, while I will buy an external drive, it won't be from him.

Now I'm downloading loads of files, trying to replace at least some of what got deleted. Thankfully none of the files were, umm, actually paid for. So I guess I can't complain about having stolen files deleted.

Since my mom and I are going to Toronto to meet Jax, we're also going to the Vegetarian Food Fair. We went last year. It was great. Free admission, and a fair number of free food samples. And even the food they charge for is really inexpensive.

I'm not actually a vegetarian, but I like food in general, even it means no animals were killed to make it.

But I love bacon!

We'll end up buying some food to take home in a cooler. Living in a small place in the middle of nowhere, most of the food they sell at the fair will never be sold here.

I am hoping to meet up with a couple friends. We were supposed to meet up at the food fair last year too, so I'm crossing my fingers that it'll actually happen this year. Otherwise my mom may think that these friends are just in my imagination.

What do you know? After only a few paragraphs, I have nothing left to say. I guess when I don't feel like complaining, I'm at a loss for words.

Toronto Gala 2009

2009-07-20T04:15:00.000-04:00

Wow!

I had a very busy few days. Friday was a seven-hour drive to Toronto. Saturday afternoon and early evening was my sister-in-law's baby shower. Then an hour driving from Mississauga to downtown for the gala. Sunday was waking up insanely early (especially for a night owl like me) to go to the post-gala brunch. Then back to Mississauga to pick up my mom to do another seven-hour drive home.

Seriously, considering most days my biggest accomplishment is getting out of bed, that's pretty hectic.

I won't bore you with details of the baby shower, suffice to say that there was a lot of really good food, and thank God, I didn't have to participate in any of the weird baby shower games they force people to play.

As has become my habit, I showed up for the gala very early, so that I could help however I could in getting ready. Radiofrank and AandP spend months planning the gala, and spend their own money getting everything in place, and since the gala is so much fun, I'm happy to do my little part to help. Frank seems to think that standing at the door to give out door prize tickets and name tags is some kind of work. It's not. It lets me see loads of people I've never met, and I get to see what their usernames are. It's a great way for a very shy person like me to feel like I'm meeting a lot of people.

Besides, I only did that for the first hour or so, then I joined the party.

First - a BIG THANKS to everyone who brought business cards to the gala for me to add to my collection. For those who don't know, yes, I collect business cards. No, I'm not secretly compiling a telemarketing list. Extra special thanks to IanG for the huge stack of cards.

It was great seeing so many people I know and like, and finally speaking to some people I 'met' last year, but didn't really speak to until this year. Did I mention how shy I can be?

I was thrilled to see Adair and Malice - two people I really like, but who missed last year's gala. I want to apologize to Malice for my inability to restrain myself when I had the urge to hug her hello when I saw her. I'm normally a bit more aware of personal space.

A big hi to BrightRedScream, who always lights up the room!

To Cottser, I think that we talked more at this year's gala than at the previous galas put together, and it still only totalled a few minutes, but to anyone who doesn't know him, he's a great guy. He brought along a friend who's actually from a small town near me. Okay, so near is a relative word, and when you're in northern Ontario, a town that's an hour's drive away is considered nearby.

CJane - I have to admit, I have no idea who you are, but when you saw my nametag, you stated confidently that I was the guy from Elliot Lake. I have no idea how you not only knew that, but actually remembered that, but I'm impressed, and must now bookmark your blog so that I may compile personal data about you as well. :)

Martini - okay, I have to apologize. I have always had it in my head that you and I have never talked in person, and so when I got the nerve to speak to you, I blurted that out, only to be told that we have talked before. Considering how little alcohol I drink, I have no idea how a conversation with you has escaped my memory, and I've been racking my brain trying to remember it. Maybe it's just part of my inability to talk to beautiful women without embarassing myself.

Zort - it was nice meeting you - hope you had fun.

KingMob - thank you for pointing out the bathroom. I was very confused. For those of you who weren't at the gala, the club had a broken sewer line, which meant that we had to go to the cafe/bakery next door to use the facilities. And I could not for the life of me see any sign pointing to the stairs to the washroom.

Tekky - I am bound and determined to someday have a conversation with you that lasts longer than five seconds.

Sliver - I don't know you, you don't know me. But WOW! If you noticed me staring, I apologize. Perhaps in a few years I'll have the nerve to say hello.

And speaking of WOW - Raynne. I have to admit, I have no idea who you are, but again, if you saw me staring, I apologize. In fact, I had a momentary fit of terror when your boyfriend came up to me and introduced himself, and I thought, damn, he must be pissed at me. In fact, he was very nice, but I still think he just wanted to make sure that the guy staring at you knew you were with him. Thank him for not punching me. :)

And thank you to those of you who wished me a Happy Birthday. I enjoyed the delusion that the gala was my birthday party.

After a few hours of sleep, it was time to head back downtown for the post-gala brunch. I decided to go this year because Dusti mentioned that the brunch was her favourite part of the gala festivities. And since I really like her, and since I've become great friends with her fiancee, the wonderful Flit, them being there was all the incentive I needed. I didn't mention Flit and Dusti in talking about the gala, since Flit got sick and may wish to forget it ever happened.

Dusti was right - brunch is a lot of fun. Well worth getting up early after a long night. Brunch is quiet - you can talk to people without having to shout over the music. I realize that may make it sound like I'm even older than I am, but quiet conversation is a lot of fun.

Joining in the conversation were BDeyeD and her girlfriend Stephanie, 2low and lexxie, Lisseth, and a guy whose name I forget, but who was able to explain the science behind zombies. BDeyeD is one of the people I "met" at last year's gala, but didn't actually speak to until this year's gala. Actually, I think you could put 2low into that same category. I also shared a table with DCruz, who made me jealous of the delicious looking hot chocolate he ordered.

As is my habit, I arrived at brunch with plenty of time to spare, so I sat in my car (okay, as my mom would like me to clarify, it's her car, not mine), and waited for familair faces. Which did eventually arrive. And I was glad they did. Brunch was at a restaurant called Shanghai Cowgirl. If you've never been there, it's quite nice inside, and on the back patio where we ate, but it looks abandoned from the front. The windows are painted over, and the sign is just the name, with no indication that it's even a restaurant. For a brief moment, my paranoia came out, and I feared that someone had played a trick on me to send me to the wrong place.

Street parking was free until 1pm. Which is when I told myself I'd leave. But I was so caught up in conversation that I didn't leave until 1:31pm. For those wondering, the parking ticket I got was issued at 1:27pm. Oops!

Anyways, as I do every year, I'm certain I've forgotten to mention a few people. I blame the fact that I've had very little sleep the past four days. I think I need to start recording my time at gala so I don't leave people out. If I left you out, I really am sorry.

Once again, thanks to Radiofrank and AandP. I have a feeling they're already thinking about what to do for next year's gala. And Frank, as I told you at the gala, I appreciate you bringing someone as beautiful and friendly as your friend Jaana, but man, why do I have to be so old?

Happy Birthday to Me

2009-07-13T20:43:00.001-04:00

I have to post an update for a few reasons. One, I need to stop looking at the previous entry. It's just very sad.

Thank you so much to everyone who left messages of condolence. I'm feeling okay now. For the first few days, I was numb I think. Just couldn't understand how it all happened so quickly.

I'm feeling okay now, but I still have the habit of looking for her. She used to come running to the door to greet me when I came home, and I still somehow expect it. She also used to follow me when I'd go from room to room, and I leave a room, half-looking for her following me. I'm sure that with time, I'll stop doing that.

Even though I would love to get a new cat, I don't know that I'm ready for that. Now right now at least.

The other reason I have to post a new entry - it's my birthday.

As some of you know, I don't really make a big deal of my birthday. I never do anything particularly special. My birthday is tomorrow, July 14th. I'll go to my mom's for dinner, and she and I will make butter chicken. It's a dish I enjoy, and it takes both of us to make it, so that's nice too. I'll get some presents from my mom too. Some books I ordered. She has them, and will give them to me, but since I ordered them, I already know what they are.

My mom will give me a birthday card. I am extremely unlikely to get any other birthday cards. My brother hasn't sent me one in many years, and my sister stopped sending them a few years ago. I'm very old-fashioned. I like sending birthday cards to friends and family. I like sending Christmas cards too.

Although I'm not usually concerned about whatever age I'm turning when it's my birthday, this year is different.

I'm now 40.

Yikes!

Things seemed okay when I could think of myself as being in my 30's, even at 39. But I'm crossing that line into my 40's now. I think one of the reasons for my angst is that many of the people I know are in their 20's. Which was okay when I was in my 30's, but now that I'm 40, it makes me feel even older.

I could ramble on about how my clock is ticking away, and I still don't have the children I dream of having. That's my number one goal in life - having kids. And it's getting to look like that won't happen. Yes, I know that I'm still biologically able to have kids, but as I get older, my potential partner will be older too, and women really do have age limits when it comes to having kids.

And please don't tell me I should look into adoption. I have. I'm a single male, unemployed, with serious mental illness. The vast majority of adoptions are handled by private agencies, and I can't afford their fees. And almost all adoptions now are 'open' adoptions, which means that the birth mother gets to choose who adopts her child. Let's be honest, they're going to have a lot of options for adoptive parents, and I can't imagine that I'd make it to the top of their list. Not only because of my illness, and my lack of money, but because there's a real stigma attached to single men who want to adopt. If a single woman wants to adopt, people can accept that. A single guy? Well, he must be some kind of pervert.

I said I could ramble on, and believe it or not, I kept it very short. Trust me, I could go on and on.

In better news, the SG gala is this Saturday in Toronto. Since it's so close to my birthday, I'm going to pretend it's my birthday party. Whether the people there know it or not. :)

Also on Saturday is my sister-in-law's baby shower. It's in the afternoon, so I'll be busy going to that and then heading to the gala.

If you're at the gala and you see me, say hi.

Tigger

2009-06-10T10:02:00.000-04:00

For some reason, I woke up at 7:30 this morning. A few minutes after
I woke, I discovered that my cat, Tigger, was having trouble walking.
She was dragging her rear legs around. I called the vet and left a
message. He called back a few minutes later, and said I could bring
her in.

I got the carrier from the basement, and, as happens every year when
she sees the carrier, she got excited and 'ran' to get in it. I let
her in, but tried to explain that she had to wait because the clinic
wasn't open yet, so it was too early. (No, I can't explain why Tigger
is that rare cat who actually likes to get into her carrier).

She came out of the carrier after a couple minutes and we lay down on
the couch watching tv. I was petting her. She was licking my
fingers. Under the circumstances, I let her lick my nose - something
she loves to do, but I really dislike.

By 8:15, I couldn't wait any longer, so I got her into the carrier.
For the first time ever, she didn't want to get in. She tried to
struggle.

She was crying too.

I got to the vet's a couple minutes before they opened, and we waited.
Went in at 8:30, and was seen right away.

He asked if she ever went outdoors, if she had been in a fight. She's
never outside, except in the carrier, once a year for vet visits. And
I have no other pets.

He confirmed that her rear end was paralyzed, even her tail. He
checked her heart, and it was beating irregularly. He said that he
only sees one or two cases a year like this, and that it was
thromboembolic disease caused by cardiomyopathy. Basically, a blood
clot must have formed in her heart and then this morning it dislodged,
and has caused a blockage, which has caused the paralysis.

He did say he could refer her to a specialist, but that treatment will
just keep her alive and suffering longer. By this point, Tigger was
having trouble breathing, and she lost control of her bowels.

So, I spent a couple minutes with her, both of us crying.

Then I left so they could put her to sleep.

She was only about 5 years old. The vet figures it was genetic.

I've had cats before, and I'm sure I'll have cats again, but as some
of you know, I've always described Tigger as the best cat a person
could ever have.

Update

2009-05-22T22:44:00.001-04:00

Wow!

Slightly less than a month since my last entry, and here I am with another.

I saw the surgeon in Toronto for a fill for my gastric band. That was at the end of April. For the first week or so, I had trouble keeping anything down, but thankfully my stomach settled, and I can eat in moderation again.

On the drive back from Toronto, I could feel a slight burning in my throat, reminding me of acid reflux. So I was very worried about it. But I slept fine that night.

However, the last two nights I've woken up coughing. The acid reflux is, in fact, back. The past two days I've had to get out of bed early because I could no longer lie down because the acid was flowing into my mouth. Yeah, I know, gross.

The night before I went to see the surgeon, I weighed myself. I hate to admit this, but since I had the band drained last September, I gained more than 70 pounds. I knew I had gained weight - it was obvious. But I was still shocked by just how much weight I had put on.

The SG gala is in July. I need to fit into my suit by then. I can't afford to buy new clothes. And I don't even have any casual-dress kind of clothes.

I really need to lose weight. Not just for fitting into my suit. I need to get healthy.

But if this acid reflux gets worse, I don't know what to do. I need to lose weight, but I need to be able to lie down to sleep.

Thankfully, despite the somewhat devastating news about my weight gain, I'm managing to not let myself get too depressed. I'm continuing to stick with the new habits I've developed. Like keeping up with friends' blogs. I'm actually keeping in touch with people.

In some other good news, my mom bought a new car. Traded in a 2000 Toyota Echo for a 2010 Toyota Corolla. It's very nice. Great to have things like power windows and locks. A radio that sounds half-decent. And it's virtually as fuel-efficient as the Echo.

Well, guess what? I don't have anything else to say. I think it's a sign of my better mood that I don't go on at length about whatever problems I'm having. I'm doing my best not to dwell on the negatives.

Finally!

2009-04-27T00:09:00.000-04:00

Boy, am I ever behind in posting an update.

I have good news, and then more good news.

I found a surgeon for fills for my gastric band. I'm making a very quick trip to Toronto to see him this week.

And when I say quick, I mean driving there and then turning around and coming back.

It's a relief.

And the other good news is very weird for me to explain.

I actually feel somewhat happy.

I don't feel particularily depressed these days.

For the first time in many years I don't feel an overwhelming weight on me.

The last couple times I've met with my counsellor, I've discussed the fact that it seems like I don't feel somehow worthy of being happy. That I somehow don't deserve to feel good. That I'm comfortable feeling depressed because that's what I'm used to feeling.

That I have to give myself permission to feel good. Permission to do things that might make me feel better.

And I've been making a very concerted effort to give myself that permission.

I've managed to actually finally do some cleaning around the house. It's nice to see bare floor for a change.

I've managed to get into a more 'normal' sleep pattern. I'm still sleeping till noon or a bit later, but that's an improvement over getting up at 4 or 5pm.

And there are some other little things.

Well, I say little because I know that to most people they're little things, that they don't even give a second thought to.

But for me, even a lot of the little daily routines are pretty abstract concepts for me.

I won't go into details, but it's a lot of little steps that are starting to improve my mood.

Finally!

Good News. Bad News

2009-03-16T02:11:00.001-04:00

I have two things to share with you this month.

One's good news, the other is bad news.

But don't worry, the bad news isn't terrible.

As you may recall, just over five years ago, I had weight loss surgery.

I got a gastric band, frequently called a lap band.

It's basically a plastic band strapped around the top part of my stomach.

It both slows down my eating and makes me feel full a lot faster.

It's adjustable too.

I have a port implanted just under my skin where the doctor can tighten the band by injecting some saline solution, or loosen the band by removing some of the saline.

I had the surgery in December 2003, and lost 120 pounds.

But for about a year, or more actually, I was suffering from progressively worse and worse acid reflux.

To the point where I was unable to sleep without frequently waking up coughing on stomach acid.

I finally made the trip to Toronto to see the surgeon and ask him about it.

He'd seen it before, and the solution was to temporarily drain the band, and then later start from stratch with 'fills' to tighten it again.

It worked like a charm. No more acid reflux.

But it also meant that I could eat.

And eat.

And eat.

And I did.

I saw the surgeon again, after about a month, and got the first fill.

I finally got my family doctor to refer me to the surgeon here in town, in the hopes that he could do the fills and save me the 7 or 8 hour drive to Toronto.

I went into detail a couple entries ago about what a nightmare that was.

If you missed the entry, I'll summarize by saying that the surgeon passed the task on to a couple of nurses.

Who spent 10 or 15 minutes repeatedly jabbing the needle into me, even wiggling it around, trying to find the right spot.

When all was said and done, they still weren't sure if I got a fill or not.

Of course, I've been hesistant to go for another fill, which I really need.

I finally decided, the heck with it, I'll make the trip and see the surgeon who knows what he's doing.

I called his office, and was surprised to hear a message that simply said that the office was permanently closed.

Huh?

I found that odd, so I figured I'd check out the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Ontario and find him.

This is what they had listed for him:

"On December 11, 2008, the Discipline Committee found that Dr. Joffe committed
acts of professional misconduct in that he sexually abused patients under
clause 51(1)(b.1) of the Health Professional Procedural Code (the "Code") and
engaged in an act or omission relevant to the practice of medicine that having
regard to all of the circumstances, would be regarded by members as
disgraceful, dishonourable or unprofessional.

The Discipline Committee ordered and directed that:

1. The Registrar revoke Dr. Joffe's certificate of registration effective
immediately.
2. Dr. Joffe appear before the panel to be reprimanded.
3. Dr. Joffe reimburse the College for funding provided to patients under
the program required under section 85.7 of the Code, by posting an
irrovocable letter of credit or other security acceptable to the College,
by January 30, 2009, in the amount of $40,000.
4. Dr. Joffe pay costs to the College in the amount of $3,650 by January 30,
2009.
5. The results of this proceeding be included in the register."

Yes, my surgeon had his license revoked.

I Googled him and found the stories below:

The Toronto Star - MD sexually abused 4 patients - http://www.thestar.com/News/GTA/article/552580

The National Post - Sex with patients costs doctor licence - http://www.nationalpost.com/related/topics/story.html?id=1065325

The Toronto Sun - Doctor had threesome with patients - http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/Canada/2008/12/12/7722701-sun.html

Yikes!

Anyways, this has been the long way of explaining that I now have to find someone else to do my fills.

I'm trying to get in contact with the surgeon who used to work with my former surgeon. He even did a couple of my fills a few years ago.

And someone I know, knows someone who had gastric bypass and their surgeon also apparently does the band.

So I'm really hoping I find someone, and soon.

I've put on weight.

I'm afraid to stand on the scale.

But I know that when I went to my grandmother's funeral in December, my dress short barely managed to fit.

I really need to lose more weight.

Anyways, that was my bad news.

Not too bad, just really inconvenient.

I'll figure something out.

Now the good news....

And sadly, this requires a preface as well.

Many years ago, I broke the law.

Just the once.

But I was convicted and spent time in prison.

After my parole and probation were over, and I waited the required number of years, I applied for a pardon.

And received it.

While waiting for that to happen, I never tried to enter the United States, since I didn't want them seeing my record and denying me entry.

After I got the pardon, I went to the US a few times without any problems.

Then in October 2007, I got to the booth at the border and they started asking me all sorts of questions, including what I had been arrested for.

They sent me inside for more questions.

When all was said and done, they let me into the US, but told me that the next time I crossed I had to bring a copy of my record with me to show them.

Here's the problem... my record is sealed, so no one, not even me, can access it.

And I used a paralegal firm to process my pardon application so I never had a copy of it.

And the paralegal firm shreds your file once the pardon is granted.

So I was screwed.

I thought a lot about it, and thought well, my old probation file will have a copy of my record.

So I wrote to my former probation officer and asked if I could get a copy.

No.

So maybe she could write a letter stating what I had been convicted of?

Yeah, she can do that, but it will be a long wait because my file has been archived in a warehouse somewhere.

So I waited.

And waited.

After 8 months of waiting, I wrote another letter.

She got back to me, and said that my file had just arrived, because apparently it was misfiled.

Anyways, she wrote me a one or two sentence letter and the very next day I went to the border to show them.

I went in and spoke to an officer and he spoke to some of his fellow officers and then a couple supervisors.

The letter was acceptable.

You know when you cross the border, how stressful it can be, because sometimes they're really nice, and sometimes they're bastards?

He was really nice.

He even stamped and signed the letter and gave it back to me, just in case I have any problems in the future.

He made copious notes in my computer file, and said I shouldn't have problems, but of course, he can't guarantee that.

It's not like I travel to the United States a lot.

But it's nice to know that I have the option.

So, that's my good news.

A huge relief for me.

Be Still my Beating Heart

2009-02-09T19:06:00.004-05:00

Hey there!

Time for an update.

And maybe it's just the new anti-depressant doing its' job, but this will be a 'happy' entry.

I'm going to do something different in this entry. I'm going to talk about a crush.

No, not to worry, it's not on you.

I've been a big fan of Scrubs since the first episode. For those who don't know it, it was on NBC for several years and after changing days and time slots about a million times, it was cancelled. But ABC, which actually owns the show, decided to pick it up for at least another season. It's quirky, very funny, but also rather dramatic at times too. It's set in a hospital, so of course most of the characters are doctors and nurses. But there's also an occassional chartacter, Ted, the hospital's staff lawyer.

Very neurotic, shy, except when he joins three other hospital workers to sing acapella, usually things like tv show theme songs.

Anyways, this past week, Ted met a quirky ukelele player.

(Okay, all the characters are quirky. That's probably why they like to make fun of the show on Family Guy).

The moment this woman appeared, she captured my heart.

Very beautiful.

After the show, I decided to find out who this woman was, and found her name on the Internet Movie Database .

She's Kate Micucci.

Along with being an actor, she really does make her living playing the ukelele.

Search for her on YouTube and watch the video of her song, Dear Deer.

She's released a self-titled EP, and also performs in a duo called Garfunkel and Oates.

They have quite a few videos of their songs on YouTube.

Very cute, though I'll admit they almost wreck things by laughing at the end of every video.

Note to anyone doing comedy - don't laugh at your own jokes, it makes them less funny.

Anyways, here's a few links if you'd like to see and hear more of her. She's worth the time.

Her own website

Her MySpace Music page

Garfunkel and Oates on MySpace

Her Facebook fan page

Buy her EP at CD Baby

As of today, you can also buy her EP on iTunes, just search for her name there.

Her acting reel -

Her video for Dear Deer -

Garfunkel and Oates "F**k You" -

She performed a cleaner version of this song on Scrubs.

And here are some pictures:

The really funny thing is that when I looked for information about her, I realized I had had a crush on her a few years ago when she was a supporting character on the short-lived Seth Green show, Four Kings.

Well, guess what?

That's it for this entry. I'm not feeling great, but compared to two months ago, I'm doing okay.

Feeling Better

2009-01-08T17:52:00.001-05:00

Guess who?

Yes, it's me, with an update.

I was due for an update, not only because it's been a month since my last entry, but also because I was tired of how downbeat the last entry was.

If you missed it, I was going through a much darker depression than usual.

Thankfully, I was able to get to see my psychiatrist and he changed my anti-depressant.

Yes, another one.

After the exhaustion of Effexor and Zoloft, and the angry mood of Wellbutrin, I was taking Mertazipine, which seemed to make my depression even worse.

I'm now taking Nortriptyline, which is actually an old drug, around for decades.

And, thank God, it seems to be working.

And I'm still only taking half the dose I'm working up to.

On a sad note, my grandmother (my mom's mom) died just before Christmas.

She was my last grandparent.

She was 96, frail, and suffering from dementia.

But she was usually happy, even if she had no idea who anyone was.

I saw her for her birthday last year. Actually a bunch of us went to see her.

And I'm glad I had my camera with me.

She was so funny. And over the last few years, with the help I'm sure of the anti-depressants they had her on, she had come out of her shell.

She showed off her piano playing skills for us, which is funny because she didn't know how to play, but she had fun.

The meds also seemed to bring out her libido.

She was always pawing any male within reach, which was both uncomfortable and hilarious.

My mom and aunt agree that my grandma was never like that, even when she was younger.

But there were several occassions when my aunt would visit and find her holding hands with her 'boyfriend'.

And not even the same guy each time.

She even got resentful and jealous of the wives of the guys.

Pretty funny.

Anyways, my aunt and uncle visited her on a Saturday, for the Christmas party at the home and she was happy.

On the Monday morning she was eating breakfast, choked on a piece of toast, and had a stroke.

My mom and went down to Welland (near Niagara Falls) for the funeral.

The Friday of the funeral there was a major blizzard.

And I mean major. People were comparing it to a blizzard from 1977.

Surprisely people showed up for the service.

We did the whole thing at the funeral home, instead of going to the cemetary.

My brother and I were pall bearers.

The service was short. It was conducted by an Anglican priest, though religion was light.

But though he's Anglican and Canadian, he had this annoying habit of saying Jee-SUS.

He sounded like a southern evangelist whenever he said that.

My aunt wrote a short eulogy, but had the priest read it because she didn't think she could.

It gave a brief history of her life, and had a very sweet ending.

Something to the effect of her being happy that she was being carried by six handsome men as her pallbearers.

There were actually about 25 to 30 people, which was a lot considering both the weather and that my grandmother outlived most of the people she knew.

I got to meet a couple relatives that I knew of, but had either never met, or only met as a child so I have no memory of meeting. And I saw a couple cousins I haven't seen in years.

Because of the weather, my brother and his wife stayed with us at my aunt and uncles.

As my brother pointed out, it was nice to be with family during the holidays because that doesn't normally happen with us.

Yes, it's sad that my grandmother died, but at the same time, it wasn't much of a surprise.

I spent a couple days over Christmas at my mom's. Yes, she lives half a block from me, but it's the thought that counts I guess.

I also spent a couple days over New Years there too.

And thankfully my mom finally has a computer, so I was able to go online.

I don't have a laptop, and it's a pain to be without internet for a few days.

But what made it great was that I made a new friend.

She appeared out of nowhere to leave a comment for me wishing me happy holidays.

The weird thing is that neither of us has any idea how we came across each other. I know I've seen her profile before, but you know me, I'm usually either too shy to say hi, or too absent to say anything.

But we exchanged numerous comments and messages.

I really really like her.

But then we chatted through instant messaging.

I don't usually use IM programs because for some reason I always feel like I'm boring the hell out of the other person and losing their interest to whoever else they're chatting with.

So that was a bit of a downer, but I'm still feeling better than I did a month ago.

I'm starting to re-emerge from my shell, and I'm hoping I keep doing that.

If I haven't talked to you in a long time, I apologize, and thank you for sticking with me. I'm doing my best to catch up with everyone, but I'm really behind.

I even starting to revisit my accounts at dating sites.

As depressed as I frequently get, I'm always the eternal optimist.

I keep hoping to find someone. I'm sure they're out there. I just have really bad luck. But I haven't given up yet.

Plus, to be honest, the meds seemed to have revived my sex drive. I'll just leave that at that.

Hope this somewhat happier feeling continues.

More blah

2008-12-04T03:27:00.001-05:00

I know I owe you an update.

I've been extremely depressed.

More depressed than I've been in years.

I don't care about anything.

As my fellow Canadians can attest to, right now our federal politics are about as interesting as anyone alive can remember, and yet I have so little care about it, it's remarkable.

Those who know me, know that politics, while not quite the passion it once was, still holds an important place in me.

But that place seems to have disappeared.

And I don't really even care.

Americans just had a fascinating election, and I don't care.

The world economy is going down the tubes, and I have nothing to say.

I have nothing worth saying.

Nothing worth hearing.

Nothing worth rubbing two synapses together to think of saying.

I just don't care about anything.

As usual, my house is SERIOUSLY messy, and despite mounting reasons, I stand paralysed staring into space when I try to clean.

My mom wants to give me her old couch, which I could really use, and I haven't cleaned enough for people to move it here.

And with Christmas coming, my mom could use the space for the Christmas tree.

And my furnace is leaking water for some reason.

And the condo board sent a notice around saying that they were coming to inspect the windows because they're going to be replaced soon.

And I can't clean.

And when I say my place is messy, I mean you have to dodge and weave your way through the piles of books and magazines and assorted other paper to get around.

I haven't been commenting on blogs, and I've been ignoring comments left for me.

I apologize for that.

Oh, I stopped taking the Wellbutrin, which was making me very irritable.

I'm now taking Mirtazipine. Or something. I can't be bothered to learn the name.

It's worthless crap as an anti-depressant.

I saw my counsellor today. I may not be able to see my psychiatrist until the end of January.

One happy note - I did get my computer repaired. The power supply was blown. Apparently running three hard drives non-stop for a couple years was too much for the original power supply.

I'm even crying sometimes.

I'll be watching some feel-good news story and get teary-eyed.

What the hell is that about?

Makes me feel stupid and simple-minded.

I watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer tonight.

Santa was a real jackass.

Seriously, have you watched that classic as an adult?

Santa and his whole operation was some kind of bigoted, facist machine.

You had to conform, whether you were a reindeer, elf or toy. You had to be physically flawless and identical, and you had to think the same as everyone else.

Yikes!

Yeah, my first bit of opinion in ages and it's to complain about my favourite time of year.

That's my mind-set.

Okay, I'll end on a 'funny' note.

I finally managed to get a referal to the local surgeon for a 'fill' for my gastric band.

I knew he was a jerk, but he actually told me I needed to lose another 60 pounds.

It's like, geesh, I wonder if that's why I had weight loss surgery and am here asking for your help.

Anyways, I left the CD-ROM that explains how to do a fill for him.

When I showed up a couple weeks later for my appointment, I went to registration, and they said (not asked), "You're here for surgery".

Umm, nope.

He booked it as "day surgery".

I went to the OR, had to change into a gown and booties. Had my vitals taken, had to sign a consent form.

(Try to understand that when the surgeon in Toronto has done it, it takes one minute, and all I do is lie down and lift my shirt up.)

Anyways, a nurse comes and takes me to the OR, where I meet the surgical nurse who is actually the one who's going to do the fill.

Having just now watched the video.

He takes a couple stabs at it, literally.

Then one of the other nurses tries, a couple times.

Have I mentioned that I hate needles.

They freak me out.

So having them repeatedly stab me with one, and wiggle it around inside, while trying to find the centre of the port is very unsettling.

Eventually the surgeon comes around and tries his luck.

Long story short - I MIGHT have gotten a fill.

Either that or I got half a cc of saline absorbed into my body.

When I got off the bed, it was soaked in sweat, and they needed to escort me back to the change room I was so wobbly.

Okay, so maybe that doesn't sound too funny.

I'm trying to be upbeat here, folks.

Anyways, to sum up, I feel worse than I've ever felt since any of you have known me.

Sorry for being so downbeat.

If I don't talk to you before Christmas, Merry Christmas!! Hope the day is nice for you and yours.

Stuff and such

2008-10-16T22:03:00.001-04:00

Okay, time for an update.

On an unfamilair keyboard, so typing this is weird.

Yesterday my computer stopped working. It turns off a couple seconds after I turn it on.

The thing is only two years old, so it really ticks me off.

I took it to a computer repair place this afternoon, but haven't heard back from them yet.

I'm hoping it's something really simple, and won't cost an arm and a leg to fix.

I can't afford a new computer.

And there's loads of stuff on my hard drives that I'd like to keep.

The worst part actually is turning my computer over to someone else, a stranger.

I hate the idea that they're probably snooping around my files.

Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Now on to my regular topic - my health.

As you know, I have been suffering from increasingly bad acid reflux for the past few years. My family doctor was sure it was caused by my band, and so he wanted me to see the surgeon who did it since he'd probably had other patients with the same problem.

(Quick recap for thos who don't know - close to 5 years ago, I had gastric band surgery for weight loss. There's an actual band fastened around my stomach to limit the amount I can eat.)

I've been taking meds for the reflux, and they helped at first. But when it got worse again, I finally made an appointment to see the surgeon in Toronto.

As soon as I mentioned my problem to the surgeon, he knew what to do.

Drain the band. (The band is filled with saline solution to tighten it. You can adjust the tightness by either filling it with more saline or taking some of it out.)

It worked like a charm. No more reflux. None at all.

Unfortunately, it also means that there's no restriction on how much I can eat.

Within hours of having the band drained, I was feeling ravenous for food.

Starving.

Rabid for food.

And so, in the weeks since, I have been eating and eating.

Lots of stuff that I wasn't able to eat before - pizza, Quarter Pounders, giant hot dogs.

Even went to a Chinese buffet.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been eating massive amounts of food - just more than I have in years.

I was never one of those people who ate vast quantities of food. I ate the normal giant portions everyone eats.

I just have the misfortune of absorbing every damn calorie I consume.

Always pissed me off. Other people I knew could eat more than me, and not gain an ounce.

Me? Gain every ounce I took in.

Thankfully, this is just temporary.

After 3 to 4 weeks, I can get a small fill, and then I'll have a small restriction on how much I can eat.

It'll take a few fills to get back to a 'good' restriction, but hopefully not too much that the reflux comes back.

The problem is that by the time I see my family doctor, it'll be a bit more than 4 weeks after draining the band.

And I know from past experience that my family doctor is intimidated by the idea of doing fills for me.

Even though it takes one minute, and a regular needle and regular saline, and I gave my doctor a CD-ROM that explains how to do it.

I would hope that he'll refer me to one of the two surgeons here in town, since they'd be able to do it in their sleep.

Sadly, I also know that my doctor takes forever to do anything, so God only knows when I'll finally get a fill.

It's that or go to Toronto for a fill. But it's an expensive trip, that I simply can't afford.

I'm using my mom's laptop to type and post this.

She's visiting my grandmother, who is possibly at death's door.

She hasn't been in good health for a few years, and had to be hospitalized for several days last week.

She's 96. She has no idea who anybody is. And now she's barely eating or even drinking anything.

So my mom has gone down for a few days to see her at the home, basically to say bye.

Okay, back to my health.

More good news - bad news I'm afraid.

Good news, the Wellbutrin I started taking a couple months ago has helped my mood slightly, and certainly improved my energy level.

Bad news, within a few days of starting it, I became very irritable.

I've had a short fuse with my mom and been yelling at her a bunch of times.

Hell, I've yelled at my cat a few times even.

But in my head, I'm always looking for an excuse to get into a fight.

Plus, without going into details, I've had a, umm, negative sexual side effect as well.

Clearly I can't keep taking the drug.

Which means having to wait yet again to see my psychiatrist and try yet another anti-depressant.

I'm waiting to hear back from my mental health worker to get an appointment.

I keep wishing I could post a bright, positive, upbeat blog one of these days, but it never seems to work out that way.

It's been ages since my last entry

2008-09-13T02:04:00.000-04:00

Damn it!

It's been about two months since I wrote an entry.

I try for at least once a month.

Actually, that's sad enough. I used to try for once a week.

Okay, I have no idea whether this will be a classic epic-length entry or something almost managable. Let's see, shall we?

So last week my brother got married.

I met his wife last summer when they came for a visit.

She seems really nice, and he seems like a much nicer, calmer person now that he's with her.

It was a big wedding.

We went down for the rehearsal, followed by the rehearsal dinner for last Tuesday.

Then the wedding itself was on Friday afternoon, with a massive dinner that night.

There's a bit of culture shock involved with these events.

She comes from a huge, but close family.

I come from a small family that's not very close.

She has so many aunts, uncles, cousins, I couldn't keep everyone straight in my head.

Except for her cousins Kim and Tanya.

OMG!

(And there you have it folks, the first time I've ever used the text abbreviation of Oh My God, says something about the maturity level of my feelings I think).

Sadly, though they're both beautiful, Tanya especially, they're way too young.

From a few clues, I determined that Tanya is just 19.

Yikes!

I've always been attracted to younger women, but I'm getting slightly more mature about it, and realize that 19 is just ridiculously young for me.

Mid-twenties, no problem.

Speaking of ridiculous, though I didn't get to meet her, there was a family member's girlfriend attending.

Stunning. The kind of looks where you actually have to look away for fear that your eyes will fall out if you look too long.

Of course, turns out she's 19 too.

WTF?

(OMG, I'm using text talk again).

Anyways, it was a nice time overall, but I still don't know the vast majority of the people there.

The problem for me is saying hi.

Anyone who's met me must know that I have very little problem carrying on a conversation.

It's just saying hi that kills me.

If someone else says hi to me, then I can converse for ages.

It's saying hi that I just can't do.

Anyways, the whole wedding experience was nice.

I will admit that it took an extraordinary effort for me to not cry in the minutes before the ceremony started.

Seeing my brother in his tuxedo, with a look on his face like he's just won the lottery was great.

And when the limo pulled up just before the ceremony with the bride, well, I had to rush to the washroom to grab some toilet tissue in case my eyes exploded with tears.

I took some pictures, and I know that when they get back from their honeymoon in Thailand, they'll be going through all the photos that were taken by the hired photopgraphers.

Yes, plural.

I have no idea how much they spent, but they had two professional photographers for 12 hours!

If nothing else, it means I do know that there are a couple pictures with me in it.

Otherwise you might not realize I was even there.

But I was! Unlike my sister and her family. She couldn't be bothered attending.

Like I said, our family isn't exactly close.

The one sad aspect of the whole experience?

C'mon, if you know me, you can predict this!

Yes, that it simply served to remind of how horribly single I am, and that there seems no prospect of that changing anytime soon.

There were so many little kids at the wedding.

I want kids.

If I were a woman, I would have gone out and got myself pregnant years ago, and not even bothered worrying about a relationship.

Hrmm....

Do I whine a lot or just a bit here?

Okay, okay, I'll keep it short.

I'll just say that I'm 39, permanently unemployed, serious mental health problems, and I live in a small town in the middle of frigging nowhere. My prospects aren't great.

But if anyone knows a woman who would like to be truly happy and content for the rest of her life, well, that's not a problem - I can provide that.

Riches? Not unless I win the lottery. Excitement? HA!

But happiness? No problem.

An update on my health....

My doctor has reversed his own opinion and decided that maybe all the anti-depressants I was taking were the reason I was so tired.

Fuck you!! You couldn't have decided that when I first complained, instead making me go through a whole battery of tests and exams, only to find that I'm in perfect health.

Son of a bitch.

Sorry, I don't normally swear, but that really ticks me off.

Anyways, he's taken me off the Effexor and the Zoloft and put me on Wellbutrin, and I'm really feeling the effects.

Thankfully, unlike most people, I had zero withdrawal symptoms.

And I'm now feeling a bit better in terms of mood, and much better in terms of energy.

Of course, you know that God can't let me be happy for very long.

I'm having some pretty serious digestive problems that seem to be related to the gastric band I have for weight loss.

I won't go into the gross details, except to say it includes throwing up while I sleep.

Yay me!

I see my family doctor this week, and the bariatric surgeon next week in Toronto.

Thank God for medicare!

Two of my favourite Suicide Girls are having birthdays in a few days, so visit their pages and give them your good wishes.

Dusti is a wonderful woman who appeared out of nowhere a couple years and requested to add me as a friend. I have no idea where she found me, but I've always been glad that she did.

She's got a wonderfully contagious serenity about her.

And I've become great friends with her fiancee, Flit.

Okay, I REALLY like Flit, but oh well.

Temper? What the hell do I say about Temper?

I stumbled across her journal shortly after joining SG. She must have posted a message in a group or forum and I saw her profile picture and just about melted. I read her journal. If you think my entries are long, you haven't seen anything. The first entry I read took at least 30 minutes to read. It was a wonderful description of a trip she took the US (She's in Germany). I was hooked.

Started leaving comments for her, and what do you know? She actually commented back most of the time.

It wasn't until she had a new set up that I finally looked at her sets.

Holy crap! Beautiful. Can't say it any better than that.

Her hairstyle is what caught my initial attention, and it's unique hairstyles like that that brought me to SG in the first place.

(As bizarre as it sounds, I'm not a big fan of piercings or tattoos, though I really like some tattoos - an excellent example in fact is Dusti's chestpiece - how much more elegantly simple can you get?)

Anyways, Temper, I'll admit, is the only Suicide Girl I have ever had sexual fantasies about.

Her beauty, her intelligence, her wit all add up to some truly irresistable to me.

We've very slowly become 'friends', at least in a basic sense.

I'm hoping that by the time I die, we'll be actual friends.

Even though I realize we have pretty much nothing in common, and would never have encountered each other in any other way except for SG. Even if she lived down the street from me, I'm sure our paths would never cross otherwise.

And what the heck do you know? I'm done for now.

And it wasn't too long, was it?

Come on, you know damn well I could have made this a lot longer, between whining about being lonely and whining about being sick, this could have been epic length.

I have spared you that fate.

You may reward me now.

Birthday

2008-07-19T02:45:00.000-04:00

Well, it's that time of year again.

My birthday.

Okay, actually it was a few days ago, on July 14.

I'm 39.

Yikes!

My mom joked that from now on, I'll be lying about my age.

My actual birthday was very uneventful. In fact, I slept a lot and had a headache.

The highlight was my annual late-night birthday call from my best friend Lene. She always calls, and as soon as I answer, she sings the Danish birthday song.

Well, it's in Danish, and she sings it on my birthday, so I'll take her word for it that it's a birthday song.

I spent the couple days before my birthday in Toronto.

My brother is getting married this September and his fiance was having her bridal shower, so I drove my mom down to attend.

A few days before that, I had seen that Flit was having a party for her birthday on the Friday.

As you may have guessed from my gala review in my previous entry, I have a bit of thing for her.

Not even sure what exactly that thing is. She's just really great, and I feel a really good connection with her.

But I guess since I live so far away from Toronto, I hadn't been invited.

A simple oversight I'm sure.

I mentioned to her that I was coming to Toronto that day, and thank God, she invited me to her party.

My mom and I set out early that morning and got to my brother's place mid-afternoon.

They didn't seem to mind that I was ditching them for the evening (I think my brother was pleasantly surprised to learn that I actually have some friends), and they gave me a key so I could let myself in that night.

I managed to get myself downtown and find a place to park, and arrived a few minutes after the start time.

Some of you may have guessed that I like showing up when something is scheduled to start. I've never understood the concept of 'fashionably late'.

I wasn't even the first person there.

I was the second.

Dusti and Flit greeted me at the door, and Lisseth was already there.

I won't go into a minute-by-minute detailing of the evening, so you're spared that.

Suffice to say that I had a wonderful time.

No exageration.

There wasn't a huge crowd, so I actually managed to meet most of the people there, and they were all really nice.

For a good portion of the evening I was actually the only male there, which made things more comfortable for me.

And, well, Flit's friend are all really attractive.

There were a few people I talked to a fair amount, but my capacity to remember names is severely limited, so I have no idea who most of them are. If you happen to be reading this, say hi.

But I have to make mention of one person who stood out from all the rest, and really made it a fantastic evening.

She used to be around on SG, but although I was aware of her existance, I never actually spoke to red_vinyl.

She arrived shortly after I did, and when she walked in, I just about fell over, she was so beautiful.

Then we talked, and wow, is she ever charming.

I won't embarass myself with singing her praises any further.

I am, however, amazed at myself for being able to carry on a conversation with her, and several other great women, without making a complete fool of myself.

I have a pretty good track record, both online and in real life, of making a poor first impression.

Either my sense of humour conflicts with theirs, or I say what I'm thinking, or I flirt terribly, or just plain try too hard.

It was nice to leave at the end of the evening feeling as though people liked me.

Of course, I may have the wrong impression. I'm easily deluded.

The Saturday was fun too.

My brother and our uncle and I spent some time chatting while everyone else was at the shower.

But then we got permission to show up before it was over.

It was pretty fun.

Loads of people, so again, I can't remember the vast majority of names, or how they're related to my future sister-in-law.

Lots of food too. And desserts.

On the Sunday, before leaving Toronto, we stopped at Planet Organic, a grocery store.

Got some stuff, all of it all-natural, most of it vegetarian or vegan.

They had these vegan chocolate cupcakes. We each got one. I should have got more.

They were really good.

In my time on SG, a few people have mentioned vegan cakes and cupcakes, and I've always been curious as to how they might taste.

Good is the verdict.

But the drive home was awful.

I mean, traffic was fine, but it was so HOT and HUMID.

I think that's why I had a headache the next day.

I'm tempted to do my usual birthday moaning about how I haven't managed to do much with my life, and how my life has not turned out even remotely like it should have.

But I'll spare you.

Of course, if you want to read about it, you can go back and read my entries from around this time last year and the year before.

Nothing has actually changed, except that I'm even older now.

But I'll leave on a more positive note regarding my age.

I was the oldest person at the birthday party.

By quite a few years.

But I didn't feel too old at all.

I think that's probably a good thing, so I'll feel good about it.

Gala Photos

2008-06-19T22:47:00.012-04:00

DeadSeeds, me, Dusti

SixBoxes and Kekelyn

BrightRedScream and SixBoxes

Bill_the_Cat and connielingus

Bill_the_Cat, connielingus, and Khoos

SixBoxes

BrightRedScream

Dusti

Flit

AandP

SuicideGirls Toronto Gala 2008

2008-06-09T00:52:00.000-04:00

Last night was the annual SuicideGirls gala in Toronto, so of course that means it's time for my annual post-gala report.

My third annual, in fact.

As I've mentioned to a few people, a week ago I was having doubts about attending. Between my low energy levels and a low mood, I was debating it. But I talked myself into it. I know my depression quite well, and I know that it can try to con me out of doing something fun in order to maintain control over me. And I'm getting really tired of it ruining my life.

Plus, I know that if I skipped the gala, I would become even more depressed, and spend the next year kicking myself for not going.

I realize that this may be a reflection of how little I do in life, but the gala really has been just about the most fun I've had each year I've attended.

So I spent a few days psyching myself up to go. Even though I knew some of the people who would be going, I also know that most of the people would be strangers, and I get very anxious in large social gatherings with lots of strangers.

This year, just to add to the push I try to give myself when it comes to socializing, I decided I would also attend the pre-gala dinner.

I got up bright and early Saturday morning, having had little sleep because I was nervous, and set off on the seven-hour drive to Toronto. Checked into the least expensive hotel I could find in the GTA (all the way up in Richmond Hill). Had a brief nap, and then got ready.

It took forever (okay, about 90 minutes) to get from my hotel to Bathurst and Bloor.

Parked, and then walked the short distance to the restaurant, getting there about 20 minutes early.

On a sweltering hot Saturday evening, a guy in a suit stands out at Bloor and Spadina.

While loitering on the sidewalk, a couple stopped in front of the restaurant for a moment, then went in.

Now, they looked as though they were stopping and wondering if they should go in, and I kind of thought that maybe they were with SG, but I'm terribly nervous about speaking to strangers, so I continued loitering.

A few minutes later, I looked up the street and saw someone I recognized - Lydia.

Lydia is actually the second person I ever met from SG, and the first SuicideGirl. It was at the first gala I attended two years.

But me, always horrible at recognizing faces, had no clue who she was even after she introduced herself to me. I blame the fact that she didn't look anything like her profile picture at the time.

I was so relieved that I recognized her this time.

You know, she and elscorcho come to Toronto from St. John's, just so they can attend the gala. How's that for committment?

Anyways, the three of us went in, and met up with connielingus and Bill_the_Cat, the couple I saw go in earlier.

We were soon followed by AandP, radiofrank, and his sister, Laura.

Soon, more people showed.

And more.

And even some some.

I was seated between Bill_the_Cat and Mneylu.

I've seen Mneylu around SG, but had never talked to her.

Sadly, being chronically unable to actually start conversations, I only barely spoke to her.

She seems really nice (and very beautiful), but don't ask me how to say her name. She told us, a few times, but it's a lost cause for me.

I barely spoke to Bill_the_Cat for most of the dinner. Thankfully, he was able to start a conversation with me, and we were able to talk.

Despite nametags, I have little idea who else was there. It's hard to meet people when you're sitting down at a table.

I did notice a woman whose nametag said Katie.

I have no idea who you are, but wow!

Dinner, at Crystal Rolls by the way, was very good.

Until the bills arrived.

There were at least 20 of us, and they only did 3 bills.

And there were 10 of us at our table.

And they accidentally put some things from our table on a different bill.

Chaos ensued.

AandP, radiofrank, Laura and I went to the club.

Yes, I tagged along because I had nothing better to do. I wasn't staying in the area, and besides, as with last year's gala, I enjoy helping.

Hope that AandP and radiofrank didn't mind too much.

I met AandP last year, but barely spoke to her. Thankfully, with her having sat across from me at dinner, I managed to say more than just hi this year.

radiofrank and I worked at the door, giving out nametags and door prize tickets.

I was worried for awhile, because no one was showing up.

Thankfully, I guess most people decided to be fashionably late because lots of people did show up.

I met a bunch of people I've met in the past, and a few I hadn't met before, and a whole bunch I didn't really meet, except that I read their nametags.

_LouLou_ and Slingshot both said hi as I had asked them to.

It took me a moment to actually recognize either of them.

Cottser greeted me warmly. He's such a nice guy - shame he isn't around here too much.

One person took me by complete surprise. Lisseth gave me an amazing compliment for having lost weight since she last saw me.

And to think, I thought she was barely aware of my existance.

People I didn't actually speak to, but who stood out to me:

Valdis - I spoke to her briefly last year. I should have thanked her again for adding her business card to my collection. Very kind of her, especially since it's a great card. And she's beautiful.

Nicoletta. Holy crap! Absolutely stunning!

Rubix. So pretty.

Agy. Wonderful.

Obviously, there were more, but my head can only hold so many names.

Okay. Enough of people I don't have the nerve to speak to.

I did actually socialize.

BrightRedScream is always amazing.

As is her husband SixBoxes.

He brought me a whole bunch of business cards, mostly tattoo artists (highly coveted among collectors).

How thoughtful is that? THANK YOU!!

Dusti is a sweetheart.

I think she knows I'm uncomfortable with lots of people around, and she managed to make me feel comfortable several times through the evening.

Flit.

I don't know what to say about Flit.

All the positive adjectives I've used to describe others, apply them all to her.

Just don't tell Dusti. As serene as she seems, I don't want her upset that I'm really into her fiancee.

I will say that Flit is a joy to be around at a party.

Makes me smile.

They had a couple friends, one of whom I was introduced to, and of course, she had a long, two-word name, that my brain can't seem to retrieve. She was with another woman, also really cute, whose name I'm fuzzy about.

Ahh - wait. Using the strangely inaccurate member search 'feature', I found BDeyeD. I remembered it was something like that.

I almost met a couple more of their friends - Luscious and Shazzy. Maybe next year.

Oh, and I have to thank 2low and King_Mob for joining with Flit in some very impressive dance routines.

Quite entertaining.

Also to DeadSeeds - nice to have met you!

Tekky is always so beautiful. Wish I knew her better.

ATTENTION!!!!

I don't know who you are. If anyone knows, please tell me.

To the woman who kept trying to make me dance, even using force, ummm.... Hi!

Sorry, dancing and singing are two things I'd rather not do. So, please, if you ever see me at karaoke, don't try to make me sing.

It won't happen.

But thanks for making the supreme effort in trying to get me to dance. It was fun.

And thank you for getting one of your friends to give me a brief lap dance as part of your effort.

Who is she?

So, yes, if you know who this woman is, tell me. I need to make sure I say hi to her.

Martini. Someday I will think of something beyond hi to say to you. We have so many mutual friends here, and yet we don't know each other. Heck, my Facebook page keeps telling me we're supposed to be friends.

Okay, there were a lot of people there. I didn't meet most of them.

And some of them go unnamed here, simply because I don't know who they are.

People - use the nametags.

That way, sad people like me can make a mental note of who you are, and then bookmark your blog for later.

Doesn't that sound fun??

Also, as I said earlier, my brain has limited storage capacity when it comes to names, so if we did talk, or nod hello, or whatever, I apologize for not naming you.

It's a shame that a few people who had wanted to go weren't able to.

I missed seeing gigantic. She's always been so nice to me. As silly as it sounds, I think of her being like a little sister. I feel very protective of her. She's very sad that she wasn't able to get time off work, and that makes me sad too.

Malice was a last minute cancellation. That's a shame. As I said in last year's gala review, she's one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the good fortune to meet. I'm not sure I should have blurted that out to her at the gala last year. I think she's very nice for tolerating me.

Adair currently has trouble walking, so couldn't make it. She's been one of the highlights for me of the first two galas.

Lastly (yes, he's wrapping up! YAY!), someone was going to come as my guest this year.

Oryx used to be on the site, but left a couple years ago.

We used to talk sometimes on SG, and as some of you may know, I had/have a huge crush on her.

But we've never met.

That's why I call it a crush. It's this strong attraction that can't completely be explained. I barely know her.

When she left SG, I was sure I'd never speak to her again. It was actually really sad.

Then, out of the blue, she friended me on Facebook.

I still have no idea how she found me, or why she friended me.

But I was elated.

We've exchanged comments many times, and I've looked at, and admire, all the photographs she takes.

When I changed my Facebook status to say that I was psyching myself up to go to the gala, she commented that she wished she could go.

So I invited her and her boyfriend to be my guests.

I was excited that I would finally meet her.

Even though I didn't tell people she was coming, somehow people knew, and were asking if it was true that she was coming.

So hey, I wasn't the only one excited about seeing her.

I don't know what happened, but she didn't show up. She didn't call my cell (mind you, it's a long-distance call).

I haven't heard from her, so I don't know why she wasn't there.

The gala two years ago was the first SG event I attended. I was still new to the site.

As I've said, I'm uncomfortable around large groups of strangers, so that first gala was friggin terrifying.

But I wanted so badly to meet Oryx.

Obviously I didn't.

The worst part was that when I got home the next night and wrote my review, she commented on it (the first time she spoke to me) and said that she had been there!

How lame am I?? To this day, I have no idea what God I offended, that they would have made her invisible to me that night.

A month or two later, I again made the trip to Toronto, to karaoke, in the hopes of meeting her.

How was I to know that she had stopped going?

Blah!

Anyways, although I had a lot of fun seeing old friends and meeting some new people, the gala is tinged with some sadness in not meeting the person I most wanted to meet.

Update

2008-05-12T23:06:00.001-04:00

I'm back from having medical tests in Toronto.

Based on my blood and urine tests, I'm in perfect health.

All my nutrients are at ideal levels. My blood sugar, cell counts, all that stuff is ideal too.

Even my liver function is great, which surprised them due to all the meds I take.

They sent me for a sleep study, feeling that it may be sleep apnea.

I was already diagnosed with sleep apnea years ago.

In fact, I was told that it was pretty severe - that I stopped breathing numerous times while sleeping, and for great lengths.

I was supposed to use a CPAP machine while sleeping. (I can't remember what CPAP stands for).

But I hated using it. Basically, it's a machine that forces air into your lungs while you sleep.

Very uncomfortable.

I'm actually pretty upset that sleep apnea may be the cause of my excessive fatigue.

I've had it most of my life, but managed with it.

It's only in the past two years or so that the fatigue has become a major problem.

The thing is that as long-time readers will recall, I had weight loss surgery four-and-a-half years ago, and losing weight is supposed to help reduce the apena.

I used to snore like a freight train, but after the surgery, I stopped.

I assumed that my apnea would have been, well, not cured, but greatly alleviated by losing 130 pounds.

The gist is that if sleep apnea is the problem (still waiting for the sleep study results), it means that not only has my sleep apnea not been reduced, but it's actually gotten worse.

Blah!

Anyways, I have to wait another week or so for the sleep study results, so who knows?

Of course, if it's not sleep apnea, then I'm left with no diagnosis again.

One thing I learned while in Toronto for the tests is that I no longer enjoy being in downtown Toronto.

I used to love walking along Yonge Street.

Now I find it uncomfortable. Everyone walks so friggen fast. It's too crowded.

And I now find that I can't stand being approached by panhandlers.

And groceries in downtown Toronto - very expensive.

I'd still want to move back to the Toronto area if I could afford it, just not right downtown.

I want to say a big thank you to Lycoris.

Ages ago I posted an entry talking about my hobby of collecting business cards.

A few people offered to send me cards.

One person sent me cards shortly after I posted.

But Lycoris has been collecting cards for me ever since, and recently sent me a big package of cards.

I'm very grateful. It put a big smile on my face.

Of course, if anyone else wants to contribute to my collection, I'll be happy to take whatever you can send me.

Even if you just send me your own card, that'd be great. (Though I do realize that some of you may not want to be so open about your identity).

I'll probably post a picture or two of my collection sometime. Even scan a couple cool cards, if I can figure out how to work my scanner.